Tips for developing parenting plans

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A parenting plan is a contract that parents to follow that sets guidelines about the time that the children will spend in both homes, the process for decision making, and other pertinent information relevant to the children. 

The reality is people change and children grow older. Rules change, living situations change, and people move on to new relationships. The parenting plan addresses many of the pitfalls that come about to keep parents out of court or conflict with the other parent. 

The age of the child of course has a great bearing on how detailed the parenting plan must be. Younger children need consistency between homes where older children are more adaptable but may require more rules. 

Parenting plans help future parents with their future relationships because it allows the new partners to read the expectations of the parenting plan and follow the plan that the children’s parents created. 

Although it may be difficult for someone else to create the best parenting plan for the children, there are times when parents are unable to create a parenting plan and they therefore need the help of legal and mental health professionals to create a plan.  When there is a lot of conflict between the parents, they may turn to the courts so that a parenting plan can be set within a Court Order. 

There are several considerations that are important to be included in a parenting plan, including: the time that the child will spend with both parents; the process for making decisions about the children; whether additional mental health support is required to assist the parents and/or the children; the location of the exchanges; and expectations about parent communication (e.g. using a communication log book). 

Daily Routines

A consistent daily routine, especially for younger children, can help children adjust to living in two separate homes. Parents will need to consider routines, such as: the expected time to wake up in the morning, mealtimes, the amount of television and/or Internet your child is allowed to use per day; the amount of exercise required during the day; and the time that the child is scheduled to go to bed. 

Bedtime routines

Having a consistent bedtime routine in both homes is important for children. It is important to determine whether bedtime at both homes will include a bath; whether the child will be read a bedtime story; where the child will sleep (in a crib or in a bed, whether the child will sleep with or without adults; whether the child uses a blanket; whether the child sleeps with a stuffed animal; does the child sleep through the night or does the child need to be comforted in the middle of the night; whether the child listens to music while doing to sleep; and whether a night light is kept on during the night.

Discipline

A common approach to discipline is also helpful for children to learn about the expectations in both homes. It is important to determine the discipline practices for the child; whether the parents will praise the child for good behaviors; whether the child will receive an allowance; whether the parents will remove privileges; and whether the parents will carry over discipline between the two homes.

Illness

Parents need to determine a plan for when the children are sick (e.g. common cold, flu, headache, etc.).  Will the parents still exchange the child if the child is sick in bed at a parent’s home? Who will be responsible to make the doctor’s appointments and follow up with any medication prescribed by the doctor?  How will the medication schedule be notified to the other parent? Should the parents keep a medicine checklist so both parents are giving medicines about the same time and noting any reactions to the medications? 

Extracurricular Activities

Parents need to determine whether they are in agreement about the extracurricular activities before making any commitments for the children to participate in extracurricular activities (e.g. sports, dance, art lessons, etc.).  Can a child take part in an extracurricular activity if one parent does not agree to it?  Parents need to determine what happens when an event occurs when the child is with a parent who is unable to transport the child to the activity. Parents also need to determine how these extracurricular activities will be paid. 

Supervision

Parenting styles range in terms of the boundaries set for children.  Parents need to determine whether they will allow the child to walk home alone from school; whether the child can stay alone and for how long; whether the child can ride a bicycle on the street alone; whether the child can run down the block to the neighbors; and who will watch the child if a parent is absent. Some parenting plans include a right to first refusal, suggesting that the other parent should be contacted to care for the child if the parent is not able to care for the child and before a babysitter is called to care for the child in the parent’s absence.

Financial contributions

Financial contributions must be considered when developing a parenting plan.  In addition to child support and spousal support, parents need to determine how activities or extracurricular activities and equipment be covered; the responsibility of purchasing new clothes; whether each parent will keep equal stock of the children’s clothes or whether the child travel with a suitcase with the clothes that travels back and forth during exchanges. Other considerations include paying for seasonal clothing; special occasions, such as buying birthday presents for the child’s friend’s birthday party; purchasing school supplies; purchasing sporting equipment, etc.

Decisions

Parenting plans should cover the decision making process for major decisions, such as education, medical emergencies and religion. There are also a number of minor decisions that need consideration, including: which parent will make final decisions when communication breaks down or what steps will the parents take before bringing it back to the court (e.g. Mediation, Parenting Coordination); the process for informing the other parent about medical, dental and school related decisions.

Professional Appointments

Parents need to consider the manner of which to give the other parent notice for professional appointments and to make decisions regarding professional services.  Decisions for sharing information about upcoming appointments can reduce conflict by keeping both parents informed of the child’s progress.  

Holidays

Parents need to determine a holiday schedule in advance so to reduce the opportunity of conflict on the day of the celebration. Parents should consider whether they celebrate the same holidays; whether there are religious issues related to holidays; whether special considerations are made regarding the child's birthday and the parents’ birthdays; whether time will be shared on mother’s day and father’s day; whether time will be shared for extended family celebrations and the process for the child attending these celebrations if the child is with the other parent.  Other holidays include summer vacations, March break, PD days from school. 

Relationships 

Determining when to introduce new relationships to the child is a complicated issue.  Both parents will need to determine the terms for introducing new relationships to the child and to consider any expectations that they may have for introducing new partners.  Some consideration will need to be made to sort out the right time to introduce a new relationship, the best way to introduce a new relationship and steps to take if the child does not accept the new relationship

Terminology for the other parent

Language is powerful. The words parents use to describe the other parent (e.g. visiting, non-custodial parent, etc.) can have a negative impact on the conflict and the child’s relationship with both parents.