Parent relationship styles after separation and divorce

Photo by Caroline Hernandez on Unsplash

In attempts to resolve conflict between parents struggling to adjust to the breakdown of the adult relationship, clinical interventions have historically included notions of “uncoupling”, which involves a complete dissolution of the emotional relationship between the former spouses. 

Ex-partners who do not share children, financial obligations, and/or other connections to the other may benefit from a complete dissolution of the marriage. However, ex-partners who share children must continue to negotiate parenting arrangements, roles, responsibilities, expectations and financial obligations. Therefore, a complete dissolution from the ex-partner is not viable and is counterproductive to creating successful co-parenting arrangements. 

According to Ahrons, relationships between former partners can be grouped into five categories. The first two are fairly positive; both parents continue to have relationships with their children, and the disruption of a separation or divorce is minimized. In the last three categories, lack of support and cooperation between parents causes problems for both the children and adults.

Perfect pals 

Perfect pals are former partners who remain friends after a separation or divorce. The decision to divorce is often mutual, but perfect pals still likes and respect each other, which helps them cooperate. They do not allow anger or hurt feelings to interfere with their parenting.  

With a common concern for their children’s welfare, perfect pals share decision-making and child rearing. Both participate in family events such as birthdays and teacher conferences. Custody is usually shared, and arrangements are flexible. 

Perfect pals help each other in times of need such as caring for sick children or dealing with adolescent problems. This type of relationship, while rare, makes a child’s adjustment to separation or divorce relatively easy.

Cooperative colleagues

Cooperative colleagues are not necessarily friends, but they can cooperate and make compromises for the sake of their children. Although they may disagree over issues such as finances and child rearing, they keep their conflicts under control and away from their children. 

Parenting plans are more formal, but they are flexible enough to meet changing needs of both the parents and the children. There is some sharing of decision-making and childrearing tasks, and some participation in major life events. Cooperative colleagues help each other in times of crisis. They understand and accept their parental responsibilities.  

Angry Associates

These are former spouses who allow their built-up anger to affect their current relationship. They are barely able to co-parent; the process is strained and difficult. They often end up arguing. There is little flexibility in their arrangements, and trying to negotiate brings up old pain as both accuse the other for the wrongs of the past. 

One parent usually has custody. There are power struggles over visitation and child support. The children are in the middle and feel competing tugs at their loyalties. Events such as birthdays and graduations may be stressful. Other family members may be drawn into the conflicts. 

Angry associates may not help each other in times of crisis or stress. Children suffer much more from the effects of their parents’ separation when their parents have this kind of relationship. 

Fiery Foes

Fiery foes are so angry at each other that they cannot co-parent. Each feels the other is an enemy and focuses on perceived wrongs. The anger towards each other is central to the conflict.  

Custody negotiations are a battle; support payments and visitation can be used as weapons to fuel the conflict. The power struggle affects the whole family. Children become pawns in the conflict and are often forced to take sides.  

Major events such as birthdays and weddings become opportunities to resume battle. One parent may be excluded from such events to avoid conflict. No help is expected from the other parent in times of stress or crisis. One parent may gradually withdraw from seeing the children. This kind of relationship is extremely difficult for the children.

Dissolved Duos

These are former partners discontinue contact after the separation. One parent may move from the area, completely withdrawing from the children and the other parent. There is little, if not contact between the parents and little information is shared about the children. This lack of information about their children makes it difficult to respond to the children’s changing needs.