Reasons for ongoing conflict after separation and divorce

Understanding and Reducing Conflict After Separation

There are many reasons why conflict may persist after separation or divorce, even over time. Ongoing conflict is rarely explained by a single factor. It may reflect unresolved grief, longstanding relationship patterns, disagreements about parenting or finances, unequal power, legal disputes, concerns about a child, or difficulties adjusting to the end of the relationship.[1]

It is also important to distinguish between mutual conflict and situations involving family violence, coercive control, intimidation, or ongoing efforts by one parent to dominate the other. These situations should not be described simply as “high conflict,” because doing so may obscure important differences in responsibility, power, and safety.

Why Conflict May Continue

Unequal power and resources

Conflict may be created or maintained by an unequal distribution of power, information, money, housing, or access to legal and professional resources.[2]

One parent may feel unable to participate meaningfully in decisions, while the other may use financial pressure, control of information, repeated litigation, or parenting arrangements to maintain influence after separation.

In some cases, what appears to be disagreement between two parents may actually involve one parent responding to intimidation, coercion, or repeated boundary violations.

The adversarial legal process

Family court processes can intensify conflict because each party is often required to describe the other parent’s alleged failures in order to establish a legal position.

Court documents may include painful allegations about parenting, behaviour, finances, relationships, or mental health. Even where these concerns must be raised, the adversarial framing can increase defensiveness and make future communication more difficult.

Litigation may also create a cycle in which each parent feels compelled to respond to the other parent’s allegations, producing increasingly negative accounts of the family.

Conflict that existed before separation

For some families, conflict did not begin with the separation. Communication problems, mistrust, recurring arguments, violence, emotional withdrawal, or disagreements about parenting may have existed for years and contributed to the relationship ending.[3]

The separation may remove the shared household without resolving the patterns that developed within it.

Grief, vulnerability, and attachment

Separation can leave one or both parents feeling rejected, abandoned, frightened, or uncertain about their identity and future.[4] The loss of an important attachment relationship may create considerable emotional distress.[5]

For some people, ongoing arguments provide a way of maintaining contact with a former partner. Although the connection is negative, conflict can become a substitute for the relationship that has ended.

This does not excuse harmful behaviour, but it may help explain why some disputes persist long after practical issues could otherwise have been resolved.

Concerns about parenting and children

Conflict after separation commonly involves:

• parenting schedules and transitions;
• decision-making about education or health;
• concerns about the other parent’s care;
• communication with the children;
• children’s belongings and activities;
• child support and shared expenses;
• new partners or family members; and
• children’s resistance to, or distress about, parenting arrangements.

Some of these concerns may be legitimate and require careful assessment. Not every disagreement should be dismissed as conflict, especially when a parent raises credible concerns about safety, violence, neglect, substance misuse, or a child’s wellbeing.

Behaviours That Maintain Conflict

Conflict may be prolonged through repeated behaviours such as:

• returning children late without explanation;
• making frequent last-minute schedule changes;
• withholding important information;
• sending hostile, accusatory, or excessive messages;
• questioning children about the other household;
• asking children to carry messages;
• criticizing the other parent in the child’s presence;
• using money, belongings, or activities as a source of leverage;
• repeatedly reopening matters that have already been resolved; or
• responding to every disagreement as evidence of bad parenting.

Children may become caught in the middle when they are asked to report, choose sides, keep secrets, provide emotional support, or confirm one parent’s negative view of the other.

Reducing Opportunities for Conflict

When parents have difficulty communicating, clear and predictable parenting arrangements can reduce the number of issues that require repeated negotiation.

Children are often less exposed to conflict when schedules, transitions, responsibilities, and communication expectations are carefully defined.

A parenting plan may need to address:

• regular parenting schedules;
• holidays and special occasions;
• transportation between homes;
• the location and timing of exchanges;
• procedures for delays or cancellations;
• communication between parents;
• sharing school, medical, and activity information;
• telephone and video contact with the child;
• attendance at school events;
• extracurricular activities and transportation;
• clothing, medication, schoolwork, and belongings;
• travel and consent documentation;
• expenses and reimbursement procedures;
• introducing new partners;
• decision-making responsibilities; and
• a process for reviewing or changing the plan.

The purpose of a detailed plan is not to control every aspect of family life. It is to reduce ambiguity and limit unnecessary opportunities for dispute.

Structured Communication

Parents who remain vulnerable to conflict may benefit from communication that is:

• brief;
• factual;
• focused on the child;
• limited to necessary information;
• respectful in tone; and
• documented in writing where appropriate.

Messages should address one issue at a time and avoid insults, accusations, threats, diagnoses, or speculation about motives.

For example:

“The school has scheduled a parent meeting for October 12 at 4:00 p.m. Please let me know by Friday whether you plan to attend.”

This is generally more effective than a message that links the meeting to past disagreements or questions the other parent’s commitment.

Exchanges and Transitions

Parenting exchanges can become predictable points of conflict. Strategies to reduce tension may include:

• school or childcare transitions;
• neutral exchange locations;
• remaining in separate vehicles;
• avoiding discussion during exchanges;
• using a trusted third party where appropriate;
• ensuring the child is prepared and on time; and
• addressing concerns later through an agreed communication method.

Children should not be expected to manage the exchange or monitor their parents’ behaviour.

The Impact of Conflict on Children

Separation and divorce can expose children to a range of changes and stressors, including:

• arguments between parents;
• parental distress;
• changes in residence or school;
• reduced contact with a parent or extended family;
• financial pressures;
• new partners or stepsiblings;
• changes in routines; and
• involvement in legal proceedings.[6]

Children’s responses vary considerably. Their adjustment may be influenced by:

• age and developmental stage;
• temperament and individual vulnerabilities;
• the nature and intensity of parental conflict;
• parent-child relationships;
• parenting quality;
• family violence or safety concerns;
• financial stability;
• housing and school continuity;
• parental mental health;
• social support; and
• the child’s opportunity to be heard and reassured.

Some children experience relief when separation reduces their exposure to tension, violence, or unpredictable family relationships. Others experience profound sadness, uncertainty, anger, or loss.

The separation itself is not the only factor affecting children. The quality of parenting, the level of ongoing conflict, and children’s exposure to adult disputes are particularly important.[7][8]

Persistent, hostile, or aggressive conflict has been associated with increased emotional, behavioural, and adjustment difficulties for children.[9] It can also contribute to repeated litigation and continued disputes about parenting and financial obligations.[10][11]

How Conflict Affects Children

Children exposed to ongoing parental conflict may:

• feel responsible for keeping the peace;
• worry that they must choose between parents;
• conceal positive experiences with one parent;
• experience anxiety before transitions;
• become watchful of each parent’s mood;
• withdraw from one or both parents;
• struggle with concentration or sleep;
• display anger, sadness, or behavioural difficulties; or
• attempt to manage adult information and responsibilities.

Children are particularly affected when conflict is directly about them or when they believe that their relationship with one parent will hurt the other.

What Parents Can Do

Parents can reduce the burden on children by:

• keeping adult disagreements away from them;
• avoiding negative comments about the other parent;
• not using children as messengers;
• reassuring children that the conflict is not their fault;
• allowing children to care about both parents when safe;
• listening without pressuring children to take a position;
• maintaining predictable routines;
• sharing essential information;
• seeking help before conflict becomes entrenched; and
• repairing mistakes when children have witnessed an argument.

A simple repair may be:

“You heard us disagreeing. That was an adult issue, and it was not your fault or your responsibility to solve.”

When Additional Support Is Needed

Parents may benefit from:

• individual counselling;
• parent education;
• mediation;
• coparenting consultation;
• parenting coordination;
• family therapy;
• legal advice; or
• specialized family-violence services.

The appropriate intervention depends on the nature of the conflict. Joint services may not be safe or suitable where there is coercive control, intimidation, family violence, or a significant power imbalance.

In those cases, safety planning, separate supports, structured communication, and legal protections may be more appropriate than encouraging direct cooperation.

Moving Toward a More Workable Parenting Relationship

Reducing conflict does not require former partners to agree about the past or become friends. It requires them, where safe and possible, to create enough structure and emotional distance to make child-focused decisions.

The goal is not the elimination of every disagreement. The goal is to prevent adult conflict from organizing the child’s life.

Children benefit when parents can establish clear boundaries, communicate only as much as necessary, follow reliable arrangements, and remain attentive to the child’s experience rather than the continuing adult dispute.

References

1. Hopper, J. (2001). The symbolic origins of conflict in divorce. Journal of Marriage and Family, 63(2), 430–445.
2. Weitzman, L. J. (1985). The Divorce Revolution: The Unexpected Social and Economic Consequences for Women and Children. The Free Press.
3. Amato, P. R., & Afifi, T. D. (2006). Feeling caught between parents: Adult children’s relations with parents and subjective well-being. Journal of Marriage and Family, 68(1), 222–235.
4. Johnston, J. R., & Campbell, L. E. (1988). Impasses of Divorce: The Dynamics and Resolution of Family Conflict. Free Press.
5. Saini, M. (2007). Parenting After Divorce: Contributions from Adult Attachment and Interparental Conflict. Doctoral dissertation, University of Toronto.
6. Sandler, I. N., Wolchik, S. A., Braver, S. L., & Fogas, B. (1986). Significant events of children of divorce: Toward the assessment of a risky situation. In S. M. Auerbach & A. Stolberg (Eds.), Crisis Intervention with Children and Families (pp. 65–87). Hemisphere.
7. Hetherington, E. M., & Kelly, J. (2002). For Better or for Worse: Divorce Reconsidered. W. W. Norton.
8. Emery, R. E. (1994). Renegotiating Family Relationships: Divorce, Child Custody, and Mediation. Guilford Press.
9. Emery, R. E. (1999). Marriage, Divorce, and Children’s Adjustment (2nd ed.). Sage.
10. Emery, R. E. (1994). Renegotiating Family Relationships: Divorce, Child Custody, and Mediation. Guilford Press.
11. Braver, S. L., Wolchik, S. A., Sandler, I. N., Sheets, V. L., Fogas, B., & Bay, R. C. (1993). A longitudinal study of noncustodial parents: Parents without children. Journal of Family Psychology, 7(1), 9–23.