Talking with children about their views and preferences

Photo by Kelli McClintock on Unsplash


Children have typically been considered legally incompetent to express their views and preferences regarding custodial preferences simply as a function of their minority status. Recently, there has been recognition by the courts and mental health professionals that some children have the cognitive, intellectual and emotional capabilities to provide their input into the decisions affecting their living arrangements following divorce.

Adolescence

On the basis of a wide range of cognitive developmental theory and research, most scientists suggest that by the age of 14, children as a group, have developed the cognitive and intellectual capability of making equally competent decisions as their adult counterparts because the child has reached a stage of formal operational thought, enabling the child to reason hypothetically and to make judgments about possible future events.

Early Adolescence

There remains considerable controversy about the developmental abilities of children between the ages of 9 and 14 years old to make custodial preferences. Children as young as 9 years old can render reasonable preferences in the medical treatment context. However, children in this stage tend to be more egocentric in their preferences and are more likely to converge to group norms.

Middle Childhood

There is a presumed incompetence of most children below 7 years old to state custodial preference because it is not until the age of 7 that a child normally reaches the stage of concrete operational thought, at which time they begin to display deductive reasoning about concrete and present events.

Early Childhood and Infancy

Most social scientists agree that children in early childhood and infancy do not possess the competencies to make preferences regarding custody and access. However, the question remains what to do when children of this age protest to visit a parent during normal access.

Child Development Considerations

Developmental Stage	Cognitive	Language	Social / Emotional
Infants and Toddlers   (0- 3)	·  Can classify objects along 2 characteristics (red and yellow) ·  Very short attention span   ·  Early sense of discovery with cause and effect   ·  Creative use of objects (block to represent a boat)	·  Puts 3-4 words together to express self ·  Follows simple two step commands  ·  Has vocabulary of 50 to 300 words, learns up to 10 words per day ·  Asks questions such as ‘why’ and ‘what’s that’ ·  Enjoys being read to and begins to recite simple lines of stories	·  Difficulty with emotional regulation  ·  Tendency to use physical aggression when frustrated  ·  Beginning to show interest in playing with peers, parallel play  ·  Beginning to share toys with peers  ·  Very ego centric and wants needs met quickly
Preschool Child (3 – 5)	·  Thinking is egocentric (focusing on self) ·  ‘Magical thinking’ – feels child can influence or cause things ·  Basic sense of time (yesterday, today, tomorrow)  ·  Understands concepts such as color, shape, size, night/day ·  Can relate personal details such as name, birthdate, members of family, address, phone number   ·  Cannot reverse thoughts or think abstractly	·  Rapidly expanding use of language (approximately 1,500 words) ·  Can count to 20 and recognize the numerals 1-10 ·  Generally uses basic grammar correctly ·  Able to follow and to relate details of basic stories or events ·  Recognizes and uses humor	·  Shares play materials and follows basic rules of games ·  Cooperative play with friends  ·  Engages in dramatic play  ·  Labels basic emotions in self and others  ·  More able to self-regulate emotions  ·  Strong sense of independence ·  Aware of sexuality
School Age Child (6 – 8)	·  Can take on the perspective of others ·  Increased ability to think logically  ·  Can reverse thought processes  ·  Awareness of the finality of death and loss  ·  Better able to understand concept of money  ·  Still unable to think abstractly	·  Good command of language and grammar  ·  Able to read and write independently  ·  Asks and answers questions easily  ·  Enjoys telling jokes  ·  Can follow 3-5 part instructions  ·  More readily able to use language rather than behavior to express thoughts and feelings	·  Enjoys close friendships  ·  Relates well as part of a team or class  ·  Increased ability to be empathetic  ·  Better able to self-regulate (strong emotions) ·  May develop fears not previously seen (thunder, loss)
Pre-adolescence (9-12)	·  Becoming more able to think in abstract terms  ·  Aware of strategies to help with memorizing details  ·  Able to read more complex stories or short novels ·  Able to trace events reversing thoughts; relate sequence of events ·  Becoming interested in possible occupations or career plans	·  Continues to learn best through hands on-experiences ·  Majority of language development completed by end of this stage ·  Engages in ‘great debates’ using language to persuade others  ·  Greater capacity to listen (not as determined to speak)  ·  Humor now may involve irony and sarcasm	·  Self-image is extremely important; resulting in increase in self-consciousness and self-focus ·  Great enjoyment in spending time with friends; support network  ·  Develops strong sense of attachment to adults other than parents (coaches, teachers, mentors)  ·  Reacts to criticism very personally ·  Able to handle strong emotions discussing with peers, or adult
Adolescence (13 - 18)	·  Now able to think hypothetically, deductively and abstractly  ·  Considers the possibilities and consequences of situations  ·  Actively reflects on situations and thinks introspectively  ·  More complex problem solving, analyzing the situation  ·  Readily able to take on the perspective of others ·  Engages in deep thinking	·  Refinement of language use  ·  Can readily discuss abstracts such as love, justice, and freedom ·  More able to shift language in context of social setting; language used with peers differs from that used with adults	·  Strong need to fit in with social groups ·  Body image and sense of self are priorities   ·  Identifying with peers (group status)  ·  Desire to be independent from parents while maintaining ties ·  Forming identity statuses or identity crises ·  Aware of and can articulate deep emotions