Impact of parent conflict after separation and divorce

The conflict between ex-partners often continues, especially if there are children, because complete disengagement is not possible for parents who continue to have contact during the children’s exchanges and when decisions regarding the children must be made. 

Following separation, parents continue to be tied through the children in ways that maintain a symbolic presence of the former partner in the lives of both the children and the parents. 

Parents’ continued interactions might be characterized by a high degree of boundary ambiguity over who is included in the family and what roles each family member has in the new family system. In this sense, the reorganization of the family system is never fully complete since the “ghosts of the past fade in and out at both expected and unexpected times in the lives of both the formerly married and their children”.

Some of the factors that can contribute to ongoing conflict can include:

· The presence of mental health problems
· The presence of substance use/abuse
· Criminal history of either parent 
· Negative patterns of conflict resolution and communication 
· The identification of blame for the end of the couple relationship  
· The lack of trust between ex-partners; the unequal division of assets
· Inconsistent and incompatible views of parenting practices 
· The presence of emotional, physical or sexual abuse
· Lack of appropriate and healthy parent-child boundaries
· Multiple complaints to child protection services and/or police services
· The number of professionals involved with either parent, more frequent attendance at court
· The negative involvement of external supports by taking sides in the conflict thus perpetuating the ongoing hatred, hostility, and disrespect between sides of the conflict.  


The majority of separating or divorcing couples are able to work through initial feelings of anger, disappointment, and loss in a timely manner and re-establish healthy interpersonal relationships with their ex-partners and their children. 

Approximately 40 percent of ex-partner interactions are considered conflictual at the time of separation.[9]Of these parents, 10 percent remain in the high conflict despite the passage of time.

Parent relationship styles after separation and divorce

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In attempts to resolve conflict between parents struggling to adjust to the breakdown of the adult relationship, clinical interventions have historically included notions of “uncoupling”, which involves a complete dissolution of the emotional relationship between the former spouses. 

Ex-partners who do not share children, financial obligations, and/or other connections to the other may benefit from a complete dissolution of the marriage. However, ex-partners who share children must continue to negotiate parenting arrangements, roles, responsibilities, expectations and financial obligations. Therefore, a complete dissolution from the ex-partner is not viable and is counterproductive to creating successful co-parenting arrangements. 

According to Ahrons, relationships between former partners can be grouped into five categories. The first two are fairly positive; both parents continue to have relationships with their children, and the disruption of a separation or divorce is minimized. In the last three categories, lack of support and cooperation between parents causes problems for both the children and adults.

Perfect pals 

Perfect pals are former partners who remain friends after a separation or divorce. The decision to divorce is often mutual, but perfect pals still likes and respect each other, which helps them cooperate. They do not allow anger or hurt feelings to interfere with their parenting.  

With a common concern for their children’s welfare, perfect pals share decision-making and child rearing. Both participate in family events such as birthdays and teacher conferences. Custody is usually shared, and arrangements are flexible. 

Perfect pals help each other in times of need such as caring for sick children or dealing with adolescent problems. This type of relationship, while rare, makes a child’s adjustment to separation or divorce relatively easy.

Cooperative colleagues

Cooperative colleagues are not necessarily friends, but they can cooperate and make compromises for the sake of their children. Although they may disagree over issues such as finances and child rearing, they keep their conflicts under control and away from their children. 

Parenting plans are more formal, but they are flexible enough to meet changing needs of both the parents and the children. There is some sharing of decision-making and childrearing tasks, and some participation in major life events. Cooperative colleagues help each other in times of crisis. They understand and accept their parental responsibilities.  

Angry Associates

These are former spouses who allow their built-up anger to affect their current relationship. They are barely able to co-parent; the process is strained and difficult. They often end up arguing. There is little flexibility in their arrangements, and trying to negotiate brings up old pain as both accuse the other for the wrongs of the past. 

One parent usually has custody. There are power struggles over visitation and child support. The children are in the middle and feel competing tugs at their loyalties. Events such as birthdays and graduations may be stressful. Other family members may be drawn into the conflicts. 

Angry associates may not help each other in times of crisis or stress. Children suffer much more from the effects of their parents’ separation when their parents have this kind of relationship. 

Fiery Foes

Fiery foes are so angry at each other that they cannot co-parent. Each feels the other is an enemy and focuses on perceived wrongs. The anger towards each other is central to the conflict.  

Custody negotiations are a battle; support payments and visitation can be used as weapons to fuel the conflict. The power struggle affects the whole family. Children become pawns in the conflict and are often forced to take sides.  

Major events such as birthdays and weddings become opportunities to resume battle. One parent may be excluded from such events to avoid conflict. No help is expected from the other parent in times of stress or crisis. One parent may gradually withdraw from seeing the children. This kind of relationship is extremely difficult for the children.

Dissolved Duos

These are former partners discontinue contact after the separation. One parent may move from the area, completely withdrawing from the children and the other parent. There is little, if not contact between the parents and little information is shared about the children. This lack of information about their children makes it difficult to respond to the children’s changing needs.

Four common parenting styles

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There are no culturally determined rules or conceptions of changes in parenting after separation and divorce. Parents are often expected to negotiate new parenting structures and plans, while at the same time adjusting to their emotional reactions to the withdrawal of their adult relationship.  

Four common parenting styles have been found in both divorced and non-divorced families: authoritative, permissive, authoritarian, and disengaged/neglecting. Too authoritarian or disengaged/neglecting child rearing can make children more vulnerable to risk and post-divorce stresses[5].

Authoritative parenting: High Control and High Warmth

These parents are flexible but firm. Parents combine warmth and control, which has a significant protective effect against the stresses children encounter in all types of families. Parents are able to clearly communicate their expectations, but also allow for negotiations. Parents who use authoritative parenting have clear expectations for behavior and conduct, which they monitor, and their discipline fosters responsibility, cooperation, and self-regulation. The parents use more suggestions and positive incentives, as well as fewer commands, physical enforcement, and prohibitions.

Permissive: Low Control and High Warmth

Permissive parents make few demands on their children and allow their children considerable freedom to organize and regulate themselves. They use little discipline and avoid confronting signs of problematic behaviors. Children may not be given adequate support or assistance by parents who are too permissive.

Authoritarian: High Control and Low Warmth

These parents are more likely to direct their children rather than negotiate with them, they value obedience, and are more controlling than other parenting styles. Authoritarian parenting styles show less warmth and nurturance, and more distance and monitoring.

Disengaged/neglecting: Low Control and Low Warmth

These parents are low on both demanding and responsiveness; they do not structure, organize, discipline, attend or supervise and may be actively neglecting their children. 

Talking with children about their views and preferences

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Children have typically been considered legally incompetent to express their views and preferences regarding custodial preferences simply as a function of their minority status. Recently, there has been recognition by the courts and mental health professionals that some children have the cognitive, intellectual and emotional capabilities to provide their input into the decisions affecting their living arrangements following divorce.

Adolescence

On the basis of a wide range of cognitive developmental theory and research, most scientists suggest that by the age of 14, children as a group, have developed the cognitive and intellectual capability of making equally competent decisions as their adult counterparts because the child has reached a stage of formal operational thought, enabling the child to reason hypothetically and to make judgments about possible future events.

Early Adolescence

There remains considerable controversy about the developmental abilities of children between the ages of 9 and 14 years old to make custodial preferences. Children as young as 9 years old can render reasonable preferences in the medical treatment context. However, children in this stage tend to be more egocentric in their preferences and are more likely to converge to group norms.

Middle Childhood

There is a presumed incompetence of most children below 7 years old to state custodial preference because it is not until the age of 7 that a child normally reaches the stage of concrete operational thought, at which time they begin to display deductive reasoning about concrete and present events.

Early Childhood and Infancy

Most social scientists agree that children in early childhood and infancy do not possess the competencies to make preferences regarding custody and access. However, the question remains what to do when children of this age protest to visit a parent during normal access.

Child Development Considerations

Developmental Stage	Cognitive	Language	Social / Emotional
Infants and Toddlers   (0- 3)	·  Can classify objects along 2 characteristics (red and yellow) ·  Very short attention span   ·  Early sense of discovery with cause and effect   ·  Creative use of objects (block to represent a boat)	·  Puts 3-4 words together to express self ·  Follows simple two step commands  ·  Has vocabulary of 50 to 300 words, learns up to 10 words per day ·  Asks questions such as ‘why’ and ‘what’s that’ ·  Enjoys being read to and begins to recite simple lines of stories	·  Difficulty with emotional regulation  ·  Tendency to use physical aggression when frustrated  ·  Beginning to show interest in playing with peers, parallel play  ·  Beginning to share toys with peers  ·  Very ego centric and wants needs met quickly
Preschool Child (3 – 5)	·  Thinking is egocentric (focusing on self) ·  ‘Magical thinking’ – feels child can influence or cause things ·  Basic sense of time (yesterday, today, tomorrow)  ·  Understands concepts such as color, shape, size, night/day ·  Can relate personal details such as name, birthdate, members of family, address, phone number   ·  Cannot reverse thoughts or think abstractly	·  Rapidly expanding use of language (approximately 1,500 words) ·  Can count to 20 and recognize the numerals 1-10 ·  Generally uses basic grammar correctly ·  Able to follow and to relate details of basic stories or events ·  Recognizes and uses humor	·  Shares play materials and follows basic rules of games ·  Cooperative play with friends  ·  Engages in dramatic play  ·  Labels basic emotions in self and others  ·  More able to self-regulate emotions  ·  Strong sense of independence ·  Aware of sexuality
School Age Child (6 – 8)	·  Can take on the perspective of others ·  Increased ability to think logically  ·  Can reverse thought processes  ·  Awareness of the finality of death and loss  ·  Better able to understand concept of money  ·  Still unable to think abstractly	·  Good command of language and grammar  ·  Able to read and write independently  ·  Asks and answers questions easily  ·  Enjoys telling jokes  ·  Can follow 3-5 part instructions  ·  More readily able to use language rather than behavior to express thoughts and feelings	·  Enjoys close friendships  ·  Relates well as part of a team or class  ·  Increased ability to be empathetic  ·  Better able to self-regulate (strong emotions) ·  May develop fears not previously seen (thunder, loss)
Pre-adolescence (9-12)	·  Becoming more able to think in abstract terms  ·  Aware of strategies to help with memorizing details  ·  Able to read more complex stories or short novels ·  Able to trace events reversing thoughts; relate sequence of events ·  Becoming interested in possible occupations or career plans	·  Continues to learn best through hands on-experiences ·  Majority of language development completed by end of this stage ·  Engages in ‘great debates’ using language to persuade others  ·  Greater capacity to listen (not as determined to speak)  ·  Humor now may involve irony and sarcasm	·  Self-image is extremely important; resulting in increase in self-consciousness and self-focus ·  Great enjoyment in spending time with friends; support network  ·  Develops strong sense of attachment to adults other than parents (coaches, teachers, mentors)  ·  Reacts to criticism very personally ·  Able to handle strong emotions discussing with peers, or adult
Adolescence (13 - 18)	·  Now able to think hypothetically, deductively and abstractly  ·  Considers the possibilities and consequences of situations  ·  Actively reflects on situations and thinks introspectively  ·  More complex problem solving, analyzing the situation  ·  Readily able to take on the perspective of others ·  Engages in deep thinking	·  Refinement of language use  ·  Can readily discuss abstracts such as love, justice, and freedom ·  More able to shift language in context of social setting; language used with peers differs from that used with adults	·  Strong need to fit in with social groups ·  Body image and sense of self are priorities   ·  Identifying with peers (group status)  ·  Desire to be independent from parents while maintaining ties ·  Forming identity statuses or identity crises ·  Aware of and can articulate deep emotions

Tips for developing virtual parenting plans

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When considering the use of virtual visitation within the context of parenting plans, many of the same factors that are considered for face-to-face contact should be considered for online contact.

These include:

• Structuring contact so that children are not exposed to parental conflict

• The development of clear parenting plans so that parents do not interfere with the other parent’s contact with the child

• The emphasis on consistent and predictable dates and times for parent-child virtual contact

• Clear expectations about the contact between children and parents.  

Similar to face-to-face parent-child contact, structured and well-thought out access plans appear to be necessary to ensure the success of visitation and well-being of all involved.

Additional factors should be considered however when using online technologies. These include:

• The children’s age and maturity: Not all children use technology the same and these differences will depend on the age and stages of development of each child. For example, younger children may need more assistance with the technologies compared to older children.

• Financial considerations: Parenting plans should detail who is responsible for purchasing and updating the technologies to facilitate virtual visitation

• Scheduling virtual visitation: Virtual visitation should not be disruptive to children’s schedule. Similar to face-to-face contact, schedules for virtual visitation should consider the child’s time with both parents, the children’s involvement in extracurricular activities and other obligations (e.g. work, school, volunteer and social). It is important to outline a well-defined schedule of how the visitation will transpire including specific dates, times, and length of contact.

• The types of activities: Parenting plans should detail the types of activities that may or may not be permitted during virtual visitation

• The type of technologies used to facilitate online contact: It is important for parenting plans to clearly articulate the types of technologies that may or may not be used to communicate such as emails, texting, videochat, a shared website for shared pictures and information.

• The location of contact: Parenting plans should detail where the computer and/or other technologies should be located in both homes. For example, decisions should be made regarding whether the computer in the child’s home will be placed in his/her bedroom or in a public space within the residential home. 

• The people present during virtual visitation and their roles: All parties allowed to be present during virtual visitation should be made part of the parenting plan so that the roles and responsibilities of all parties are understood and clearly articulated.

• The level of monitoring and supervision required: If monitoring of the child while using the online technologies is required, this should be clearly indicated in the parenting plan so that all parties are aware of the expectations of monitoring and any limits regarding the level of supervision required.

• Issues of privacy: The issue of privacy should be detailed as it relates to a child or teen’s virtual access with a parent (both synchronous and asynchronous), without input or interference by the custodial parent. 

• The behaviors of the custodial and/or non-custodial parent: Specific guidelines to minimize negative and disruptive behaviors of the parents should be detailed, including not using children be conduits of information from one parent to another.

• Expectations for non-compliance: There needs to be a clear understanding by all parties regarding the enforcement mechanisms for non-compliance regarding virtual visitation. These can include stipulations for failing to follow through with scheduled visitation and/or interfering with scheduled visitation.

Important information to share with your coparent

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Staying informed of the children’s progress means knowing the most current information about the children and being able to respond to the children in the most appropriate way.

Medical history and medical needs

Being informed of the children’s medical history and medication is critical to ensure that children remain safe and continue to receive all necessary medical care and attention.

Educational history

Neither parent should solely be the “recreational parent”. Both parents need to be informed of the children’s school work and help with homework, reading, and other tasks.

This support can help children progress, learn, and develop within the academic setting.

Child’s likes and dislikes

Children are not stagnant. They grow, develop, and change rapidly. Parents need to be aware of these changes to respond appropriately to their children.

By being attuned to their children, parents show their children that they are valued and important.

Routine

Developing a regular, consistent, and predictable routine for the children decreases transition problems between the homes.

Parents should be informed of bedtime routines, morning routines, mealtimes, homework times, frequency and duration of television viewing, books the children like to read before bed, and all other routines while in both parents’ homes.

This helps to ensure that parents provide children with needed consistency.

Extra-curricular activities

The children may be involved in sports, art classes, music lesions, etc. Both parents should be aware of these events and support the children in these activities.

Peers

Knowing the children’s peers and being involved in the children’s social life is important for fostering parent-child relationships and to demonstrate to children that their parents are both interested in them.

Scheduling

Parents should share information about the children’s scheduling to prevent conflicts with the other parent’s plans.

Events such as birthday parties and holidays should be planned well in advance.

What to pack for your children's exchanges between parents

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Pack a travel bag for your child to take with him/her during exchanges between homes. These belongings should be part of the child’s bag and should always follow the child during exchanges. 

The travel bag is in addition to the supplies, clothes, toys, books, and other items you will want to have in your own homes for the child during his /her time with you. Below is a list of suggestions you may want to consider when deciding which items to pack for your child:

In this travel bag, the parents agree that the following items will be included and should always accompany the child:

·   -The child’s favourite toy and/or stuffed animal

·   -The child’s favourite blanket (depending on age of the child)

·   -Books that the child likes to read before bed

-Special outfits (e.g., hat, sweater, pyjamas)